Getting Started with Writing My Past Self
Felt weird writing about who I used to be. Straight up awkward. Didn't know where to begin, you know? Like staring at a blank page wondering, "How do I even describe that person?" Didn't want to sugarcoat it, but didn't wanna just roast my past self either. Needed a real way in.
Thought, let's just make it simple. Ditch the fancy words. Started with bullet points. Yeah, seriously. Grabbed a piece of scrap paper and scribbled down:
- Quiet - Used to literally avoid talking to cashiers.
- Overthinker - Spent an hour picking socks once. Not even lying.
- People Pleaser - Said "yes" to stuff I hated just to avoid one person looking annoyed.
- Scared of Mistakes - Would rather not try at all than risk looking stupid.
Seeing it written down like that hit different. It was messy, but honest. Felt like I was describing someone else, which made it easier. Weird trick, right?
Okay, next step. Tried forcing myself to write three quick sentences about that past me. Timed myself. Two minutes. Pressure's on! Ended up with:
- "Back then, my brain felt like a web browser with 50 tabs open, all blaring loud music."
- "I walked around like an apology waiting to happen."
- "Every decision felt like defusing a bomb in a movie, except I forgot the instructions."
Wasn't Shakespeare, but it felt raw. Kinda liked the browser tab line, ngl. Getting somewhere.
Digging a Bit Deeper
Wanted more than just labels. Needed a specific memory. Thought about getting lost heading to a new job once – total panic, no phone signal, sweating buckets. Instead of just saying "I was anxious," I described exactly what my body did:
"Remember feeling my throat closing up like someone poured quick-dry cement down it? Hands went clammy, seriously left damp handprints on the steering wheel. Radio voices sounded like they were underwater. Sat frozen in that car for ten whole minutes, convincing myself driving back home was the only option."
Writing the physical stuff felt easier than trying to name the emotion. Made the old me feel real again. Concrete. Found myself adding details I thought I’d forgotten.
Finding the Thread
Started asking myself: What was that person running from? Running towards? Not big life stuff. Small stuff. Running from awkward conversations? Running towards… what? Just being left alone? Quiet evenings? Safety? Yeah, probably safety.
Wrote it down: "She spent a lot of energy just trying to feel safe. Like building little walls made of quietness and avoiding eye contact. If no one really saw her, maybe she wouldn’t get hurt? Crumbled easy though."
Felt heavy writing it, but also kinda… relieving. Like pulling out an old splinter.
Wrapping It Up Simple
Biggest takeaway? Didn't need essays. Just needed to:
- List traits honestly
- Pinpoint one damn memory
- Describe the physical dumb feelings
- Ask the small 'why?'
Stopped trying for "profound." Went for simple and specific. The truth bled through better that way. Maybe we make describing the past harder than it needs to be. Just start small. Dump it out. The feelings follow.
